Loneliness

When I left Bristol and moved to Wales I had what I thought was a big group of friends. The distance quickly weeded out the friends who thought I was worth the effort, and there weren’t very many of them. And it hurt. Still does sometimes.

I reached a point last year where I thought I had found my people here in Wales. Then I stuck up for myself when I was singled out by a narcissistic bully, and I was labelled the troublemaker. Turns out I only have about 3 friends here too. Maybe less.

Fuck, that hurts.

Am I just really unlikeable?

I’m a mess today. This all happened weeks ago and I’ve had periods of being ok with it all.

Now I just want to move home. I just want to escape.

The broken boiler and lack of hot water and heating isn’t helping my mood.

The black dog and crossed fingers.

Four weeks without running. I can’t even tell you the damage that has done to my mental health. I knew I used running as therapy but I hadn’t realised quite how much I had come to depend on it. The timing couldn’t have been worse either, as I’m withdrawing from antidepressants to find out if they are causing my palpitations (they aren’t). So I’ve had a double dose of the black dog, and it’s been a struggle. Combine all of that with being forced to face some truths about people who were pretending to have my back, and it’s been pretty isolating. Lessons have been learned in the last 4 weeks. I’m hoping for good news at my hospital appointment tomorrow. Even if they tell me I can do some walking it’ll be amazing. I’ve been out and about without crutches the last few days and it’s been ok. The pain has gone now, and that can’t be a bad sign! I only ache in the evenings. Keeping my fingers crossed. 🤞

Marathon day and weather to match my mood

It’s marathon day!

Which would be absolutely fucking wonderful if I wasn’t sitting on my sofa with the cat listening to my kids bickering and the rain lashing down outside.

WHY has Marathon Eryri decided that 2020 will be the year they change to a ballot entry? I’ve waited a whole year for this day, and now I may never get another chance.

I’m in a bad mood.

We went to volunteer at parkrun this morning. I’ve never been wetter. I took a camp chair to save my leg but the kids emptied a packet of bacon rasher crisps into it and they instantly turned to crisp mush. So I carried a chair around for nothing.

So I’m sore and grumpy. I expected that. I just want to get through today and out the other side.

Then I can think about getting back on track.

Achey ankles and vampires

I ache today.

My legs hurt from top to bottom and my feet are killing me. The throbbing tonight is wrecking my head and keeping me awake.

I haven’t even walked today. I haven’t done too much at all. Although I’ve taken to hobbling around the house without my crutches even though it hurts because they are so annoying! I need my hands!

I spent a lot of today doing a terrible job of taking up a too-big minion costume. My hand sewing is ridiculously bad and I’m sure I was once quite good at it.

I need new glasses. I can barely see!

I’m hoping this ache is gone by morning. I’m hoping I get some sleep. I need it so much. I need to get back to feeling like myself.

Unrelated Halloween disco picture because of all the cuteness.

Crisp mornings and not giving a f*ck

I bloody love autumn. October is my favourite (apart from all that rain). The sun came out today but it was cold. My absolute favourite weather. Crispy sunshine. Nothing beats it.

It’s just typical that I’m stuck on these stupid crutches right now.

Trevor is away and the dog looked glum, and I’m terribly stubborn.

Two miles.

I loved it. I wore a woolly jumper and my ski gloves with warm boots, and was still cold. Seb didn’t care and was straight in the river.

I listened to the audiobook of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” and came to the conclusion that I give way too many f*cks.

Then I randomly decided I need to use my brain while I can’t use my legs.

So now I’m doing a diploma in nutrition!

I’m excited and feel motivated for the first time in ages. Who needs a marathon, eh?

That walk was soul food.

Honeycomb bones and bumped heads

I went to the hospital today. More X-rays. An ultrasound scan.

Healthy bones are built like honeycomb on the inside.

I have little cracks in that structure in my shin, just below my knee.

They’ll heal soon enough. Not soon enough for Snowdonia Marathon, but I should be running by Christmas.

Back at the beginning probably.

I was reading The Salt Path by Raynor Winn in the waiting room and I came across this quote.

It got me thinking.

I have everything I physically need and nothing to moan about, but I do need the mountains. I need the trees and the sky and good books.

It won’t make up for the running but it’ll help.

The school called while I was there and Iris had fallen and bumped her head. We bought her home and skipped swimming lessons, got a duvet out and watched a film. It was exactly what we needed. Not the bump. The rest.

She’s fine.

We are so very tired.

Roll on half term.

Duvet days and fake positivity

Walking around (I can’t really walk but you know what I mean) smiling like everything is ok doesn’t help.

It’s just pretend.

If you do it enough it starts to feel a bit like it might be real but it all falls apart again as soon as you stop.

I do it anyway. We all do.

This weekend I didn’t. I stayed in bed for a whole day wallowing in my depression. People always tell you not to do that, that it’ll make it worse. Don’t isolate yourself, keep going, get outdoors blah blah blah. Ignore that. Sometimes shutting out everything apart from your duvet is the best thing you can do.

I feel better for it. Not just mentally but physically too. I needed a rest. I needed quiet and stillness and a lack of people.

I still need more of it to be honest but I’ve ran out of weekend.

Tomorrow I’m off to the hospital to find out what’s going on with this stupid leg. Fingers crossed I can ditch the crutches and lace up my (brand new) running shoes soon or my brain might end up completely fried.

Sore legs and itchy arms

As if a stress fracture, palpitations and withdrawing from antidepressants wasn’t enough to deal with, I’m now having a reaction to something.

So I’m sore, grumpy, breathless and SO BLOODY ITCHY.

Starting to wonder if I will ever sleep again.

The antihistamines don’t say non-drowsy so I’m hoping that’s a silver lining.

On the plus side, I bought some pretty new running shoes I can’t even use. They did very briefly cheer me up.

Air and acorns

I went for a walk today. I call it a walk but it was barely a walk. A hobble. With only one of my crutches because the dog is terrified of them.

I needed the air.

It’s rained here for weeks (maybe months or years, definitely feels like it) but today the sun returned.

I picked up 16 acorns and imagined 16 little oak trees, and the idea gave me some joy.

The walk was healing, but then I came home and fell over on the slippery decking in my back garden. For a moment I wondered if I had broken my other leg.

I sat and cried like a dickhead in the cold for a while, and it hurt so much.

It’s only a bruise.

I hurt so much in my shin where my shin bone gave in to the stress of marathon training for a marathon I won’t be running.

I felt the darkness lift for a bit today, despite the fall.

It is time to make some plans.